May 18, 2019

Saturday

11:18 PM

There are different things to choose from, and yet he had no chance to take even one of them.

He wants to leave ’cause there are no reasons to live.

Escaping without a prior action is a soldier without his riffle.

Then; the demons baffled his own thoughts with their cryptic labyrinth.

The old Lucifer won; he saw no gleam of light.

Temptation to sharpen his knife is the last thing to do.

He flung his glasses on when the fireflies ceded his mind.

He ended his autobiography with chemical substances.

Afterwards, the whole room was filled with screaming lights.

What’s with the white-painted box?

The flowers, the candles, the curtains, the candies, the poker cards?

Alas—they’re all for me.

May 19, 2019

Masyado ka bang mabait sa mga pinakikitunguhan mo kaya ka nila inaabuso?

Masyado ka bang masama kaya iba ang pagtingin at pananaw sa ‘yo ng ibang tao?

Nagkulang ka lang ba ng pang-unawa kaya ‘di ka nila maintindihan?

Sumobra ba ang ‘yong kaalaman kaya ka nila iniiwasan?

‘Di mo talaga alam kung saan ka lulugar. Wala kang posisyon na pwedeng maiharap dahil kahit anuman ang ipakita mong maganda, meron at meron pa ring makakapuna.

July 10, 2019

Wednesday

4:52 PM

Let’s go back in 2007, where everthing is likely the best moments of my life as a kid. I used to remember when I crossed along the pathway that morning, maybe it’s my second or third day of being a Grade 2 pupil. I walked down the marble-like floor and pretended to fix my clothes ’cause I want to act nicely with my new white T-shirt on—

—I supposed to sit on the desk with two other pupils talking to each other since all of the chairs in the back corner of the room near trash can were occupied.

I sat with those guys and twirled my eyes with a teeny-tiny-bit of smirk ’cause I’m not comfortable of being with my new classmates. They’re all supposed to be friends during their Grade 1 days and I still wonder why I’m here—made to be a student of Ms. David and reach the star section. Yikes…

So… I waited for our morning exercises and flag ceremony when I saw you—yeah, you’re on your comfortable zone while talking with those fancy-like girls and y’all laughing and laughing and laughing…

I’m about to leave the room—I felt something for the first time. No, I knew that my heart skips to beat for a while then it started to outburst like a rockstar hitting the drums on as if there’s no tomorrow.

I looked at you—I wonder why I smiled that time with heat and pressure, and the bright rays of the sun hits me; oh heavenly angel!

“He’s so cute,” I whispered.

I can’t get rid of your eyes fluttering as you close it 10 times better than my mother’s cleaning detergent. No, just kidding… but I love it when you laugh ’cause it makes me laugh, too.

You’re so cute with your blushing cheeks and captivating smile. I wish that I can see you more closer but—

—the bell rang. It’s already 7:30 AM.

I kept my lips temporarily closed while keeping some sorts of words in my mind.

Then I learned that your name is Art—and at least you knew why I love art… that’s because I loved you for the first time I ever saw you.

I can’t imagine why you can’t draw your favorite NBA Players that you made a fan of, and I also wonder why you can’t sketch a tree and submit it to our teacher… I don’t even know why I drawn you inside my head and sketched your name in pictures then I stopped, I knew it—LIFE IS ART, and you are my life.

After more than a decade, I’m still stuck with my old persona as a kid with full of imaginative pictures being crafted on my mind—they’ll belongs to you. You were the subject of my pieces and I wouldn’t mind if you want me to lend my hands on ’cause you are the owner of every things that I made, make and will make.

I realized that I can offer my heart but not everyone can own it—including you. I don’t need to love you like how you used to love someone else.

Hell, yeah. I learned to love myself.

But, who cares? I can still go back in the school where everything was started.

I can go back to the place when I first met you and pretend like it was one of the best moments of my life as a kid.

No—

—I can’t go back to 2007.If there would be a time machine, why not?

I’ll gonna fix myself just like how I pretended to fix my new white T-shirt 10 times better than my mother’s cleaning detergent…

…and the rest will be a history.

April 16, 2020

Thursday

5:10 AM

After Cupid ruined my mending heart and left scratches on my aching shoulders, I never entertained myself to step three blocks from the row to intertwine my veins with another Humanoid and love again. The risks of falling and breaking are two of subcategories of danger, and I kept in mind that I should play the cards in a way where my ego still feed its seeds; and not to be horridly hungry to someone’s attention and affection. Lurking between the scope of having a dark conversation with Cupid before and foreshadowing the side of being single forever makes me feel collapsed while the story itself invites me to live in a spectrum of chase and survival.

Eros, Philia, and Agape never bothered to show the features and qualities of being in-love, neither I showed the pattern of my strings being attached to someone who brought not just pain but comfort… the thing that I still miss when I used to wake up each morning or when I write and that angel’s my point of view…

…and that person overfill my plastic dreams that never turned even in virtual reality.

Keeping our head stuck in the middle is the hardest thing to do, after the cycle of trying and failing.

Broken pieces of mirror even can’t fix itself, who am I to starve for love… a love that never happened?

Why can’t we just grab the keys and drive ’til we can see a perfect spot to rest?

Why can’t we just place our chairs together and read our favorite stories?

Why can’t we just scratch our feet down the road while sharing your childhood life with me?

Why can’t we just be like yesterday when we both call our names?

Why can’t we just tease each other and laugh together?

Why can’t we just blend the tone and harmonize our voices when we sing?

Why can’t you just cheer me up when no one else does?

Why can’t you just ask me about our ‘real score’?

Why can’t we just memorize our broken figures and fix the pixelated dreams?

Why can’t we just smile and bring our closeness back?

Why can’t you keep your flaws up and point back at me?

Why can’t you just hold our beers and hide those tears?

Can I expect? Can I pretend that you love me too, though I knew that it won’t help, thus, it hurts?

Why can’t we just talk and wash the pain away?

Why can’t I just remove my fantasies away like the way how I brush my pen on your hands?

Isn’t it hard for you that I’m a character in your diary, or it’s just I’m only an extra and I’m not that important unlike your Juliet?

Why can’t I just believe that nothing remains the same ’cause everything has changed?

Why can’t I just bring the logic puzzle back to you, for we do not have the time to fix it?

Why can’t I just bring my attention back from the things that I do when you’re still off the scene?

Why did you leave,

when you’re the reason why I live?

Why do we keep on regretting the past

if past runs after us?

Why do I need to explain

when you can’t hear my reason…

…the reason why our favorite song’s still on repeat,

and it makes a sick beat?

You’re getting over it.

2020

you’re once a someone’s perfect stranger

crossing the rooftop with a sledge hammerfiery danger; lover’s beautiful disaster

an angel with the wicked wings of a monster

kissing the fears of me as a sober

you’re playing the role of a gangster who never say ‘never’

in the corner—I started as a dreamer

you’re the timekeeper

i’m the leader, you’re the follower

not until our bones melted

loosing its power

pulverized like a powder

i shaped our curves ’til our jellies crushed

i blushed

you hushed

we rushed

forming the edges again

then we gave up

you let the jellies dropped

i catched it

but it fell

just like how i surrended on a dwelland waving goodbye to the wishing well——you left with no story to tell

as if you never heard the bell

with the echoes of your name

with my hymn

and my screams,

with my chants

and my yell

you’re once a someone’s perfect stranger

wearing the costumes of us

you’re supposed to be my stranger

a stranger that I will always knew…

…don’t you?

May 18, 2020

Monday

10:42 AM

1. Guilt expands three pounds of hate while fooling a man of evidence pulls the feather of a blinded swan.

2. Towel of words can make an eye wet; a tissue of love make numbed puppy ache.

3. Pieces of popsickle in exchange of a whistle toy ideally drives every wooden houses distorted.

4. Stop using your senses if the things that you work-out doesn’t make a sense.

5. Love and affection are picture frames and can be displayed even the glass gets broken, but you can’t protect the memories from denials, regrets and forgiveness.

6. The idea of roasting a chicken you once thought as an angel is equal to the idea of letting yourself stuck in his dreams forever.

7. A house is not a home without owls and a pigeon in it.

8. Lucifer was an angel before; god let him to become a demon. Hence, god was a demon for letting Lucifer be the master of evil.

9. There are no winners or losers—the taste of majority is only the cause of conflict.

10. When danger heals, trust kills.

March 8, 2021

Monday

6:14 PM

You just can’t be silent while someone’s screwing people’s mind to make them think that you are bad.And sometimes you don’t need to overshare your emotions unless they can totally understand you.

If they think that being good makes you look bad, be the best version to the point that you’ve made it to the Guinness Book of Records as the worst person in the whole wide world.

An agonized word is a mistress, and a lie is a pleasure.It’s better to be agonized for knowing the truth is, than to be normal without a brain.

April 28, 2021

Wednesday

9: 35 AM

Sana, kasimbilis ng takbo ng panahon ang mga araw na natututo akong magmahal.

At, sana… kasimbilis ng takbo ng panahon ang mga araw na natututo akong mangalimot.

Kukumustahin kita sa paraang gusto ko kahit na ayaw mo.

Pero ‘pag ikaw ang magtatanong sa ‘kin kung “ayos lang ba ako”, alam mo na ang isasagot ko.

October 21, 2021

Thursday

8:35 AM

                “Enough is enough.”

                That’s what I wrote nu’ng nagsisimula pa lang akong sumulat for my October 2021 journal. Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng buhay when I should think of letting go or I still need to hold on kahit na nasasaktan na ako. It’s not easy para sabihin nang gano’n kadali na “okay” na ako sa sitwasyon ko. When I said “okay”, that means, meron ka nang contentment sa sarili mo, and you are genuinely happy for what you have accomplished. Ako kasi, pinipili ko pa rin na alalahanin ‘yung mga bagay na nagpapasaya sa ‘kin kahit ‘yun din ang puno’t dulo kung bakit ako nahihirapang lumimot.

                ‘Di ako mapalagay na umiiyak ako kahapon kasi hindi ko lang mapigilan. I mean, sino ang pipigil sa akin na umalala? Kailangan kong tulungan pa ang sarili ko na umiwas sa mga bagay na nagpapaalala sa kanya. I saw a screenshot from my letters, April 2021 archive para sa kanya. My very first long sweet message goes like this:

                “I had a great day with you. Should I say ‘the greatest’?

                “Sorry kung nag-o-overshare ako kasi I just want to be honest… ngayon ko lang na-experience ‘yung maging masaya since I’m still looking for my lost self. There’s something in you na I can’t explain…

                “It’s a sort of attachment, bond, or… ewan. You made me feel safe kaya naiiyak ako kanina saka nahihiya (ng slight).

                “…Kung hindi man, sorry kung hindi ko na-meet expectations mo. Sorry kung tameme rin ako kanina! Siguro tama lang ‘yung sinasabi nila na “great things happen in silence and there’s a big lag between when great things happen and when they’re perceived. ‘Yung parang nagtr-travel lang ng mag-isa ‘yung tao at ninanamnam niya ‘yung ambience ng lugar kasi magaan sa pakiramdam.”

                That’s the simple message I sent to him nu’ng hapon after naming magkita. It’s been few weeks na rin no’n nu’ng nakahanap siya ng apartment na matutuluyan.

                Hahaha… ang weird lang kasi magpahanggang-ngayon, iniiyakan ko pa siya. I mean… what for? Hindi naman niya alam na nag-e-exist pa ‘ko, or even thinking of me the way I think of the happiest days na kasama ko siya. I know to myself na I won’t be able to have someone na katulad niya. Marahil, hindi na ako mag-a-attempt ulit na magdasal para ibigay sa ‘kin ni Lord kung sino man ang dapat na dumating sa akin. Ang alam ni Lord, hindi naman ako naghahanap ng jowa. Palagi na lang kasi akong name-misinterpret ng iba… as if ready ako sa commitment? As if I have the gut to celebrate monthsaries, eh birthday niya, hindi ko nagagawang maging masaya, nakakatikim pa ako ng “birthday blues”.

                It’s funny when we crossed our paths, and we helped each other in disguise, and then we hurt each other, and then we’re starting again. It’s all for good…

…bakit ako umiiyak?